Harry Potter meets Regis Philbin
by KittyAngel StarFig
Summary: What would happen if the HP cast were on "Who wants to be a Millionare?"


A/N: This is a really messed up fic written by KittyAngel (StarFig helped me a bit). I don't know if you will like it, I was hyper when I wrote it, but please R/R

REGIS: Hello everyone and welcome to this night's special edition of"Who wants to be a Millionaire!" Tonight's contestants, who are all from the Harry Potter books, will be trying to win one million Galleons!!!! (Audience cheers) And now let's meet the contestants! We have….

Sirius Black (Audience screams because they still think he's a murderer, Regis calms them down)

Professor Lockhart (Smiles very widely)

Nagini the Snake (Hisses)

Draco Malfoy (sneers)

Professor Telawny 

Ron Weasly

Herimoine Granger

Voldemort (laughs evilly)

And of course…

Harry Potter!

Now… lets get on with the fastest finger contest!

Put these wizards in order from youngest to oldest

a) Albus Dumbledore

b) Madame Pomfrey

c) Harry Potter

d) Nicolas Flammel

And the answer is…. c, b, a, d

Wow everyone but Nagani got that right

NAGANI: HIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS

REGIS: Uh, Harry, will you please translate?

HARRY: She said 'I vant to drink your blood Philbin"

REGIS: Ohhhh, maybe I didn't want to know that… anyways our winner is Her.. Herm.. er… Miss Granger with 0.8 seconds! (Audience cheers and Herimoine walks up to the hot seat)

Welcome Miss Granger! Er, how do you pronounce…

HERIMIONE: AHHHH! Even you can't say it! Her-my-own-ee!

REGIS: Sorry, are you ready for your first question?

HERIMIONE: Yes

REGIS: Okay, for 100 Galleons: What is discussed on page 1,437 of "Hogwarts: A History?

a) House Elves

b) Anti-Muggle Spells

c) The Four Founders

d) The Giant Squid

RON: What! How can that be a hundred Galleon question? Nobody knows that!

HERIMOINE: First of all, House elves are NOT mentioned at all… The founders are on page 256, the giant squid is on page 8764, so my answer is b, anti-Muggle spells

REGIS: Is that you Fin-

HERIMOINE: Yes!

RON: Well, of course _she _would know that… she has the book memorized!

HERIMIONE: I do not…

REGIS: Okay Okay you two! Be quiet. Ron, your not even sopposed to be talking right now… Anyways, Miss Granger… YOU'RE CORRECT! (Addience cheers)

Next question, for 200 Galleons… In the 1678 Qudditch World Cup which team scored the 3rd goal?

a) Irerland

b) Antartcica

c) England

d) Kenya

RON: Come on! EVERYONE knows _that_!

REGIS & HERM: SHUT UP RON!!!!!!

HERM: Er, well, er, can I use a lifeline?

REGIS: Sure… wait a minute… where are all the lifelines????

NAGINI: (burps) HIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS

REGIS: Translation?

HARRY: She said that she ate them!

REGIS: How could you! Bad Snake! Bad Snake!

VOLDIE: YOU CAN"T TALK TO MY SNAKE THAT WAY!!!! PREPARE TO DIE!!! MWAAHAHAHAHA! ADVA KADEV-

SIRIUS: wait dude… you need a tic-tac!

VOLDIE: Huh?

SIRIUS: Well, first of all, your breath stinks… and if you kill Philbin, you can't win a million Galleons!

VOLDIE: Oh yeah… sorry

REGIS: _Anyways_… whats you answer Miss Granger?

HERM: Er… Kenya?

REGIS: Final answer?

HERM: I guess…

REGIS: WRONG!!!! The answer was…

RON & HARRY: ENGLAND!!!!

REGIS: I said shut up! The other contestants have to be QUIET!!!!!

HERM: I quite agree. Anyways, does that mean I don't win anything?

REGIS: Well, you don't win any Galleons… but for participating you get a special edition, gold-plated, pocket-sized copy of "Hogwarts: A History"!

HERM: Really? Wow!

HARRY & RON: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Burn it! NOOO!

REGIS: You two are getting really annoying! But, its time for the next fastest finger contest!

VODIE: Wait! Forget the contest, lets have a duel!

LOCKHART: Good idea! I am an expert at dueling! Then we can have some tea!

REGIS: But…

TRELAWNY: Did you say tea? That's great because I brought a supply of tea leaves for every one! And we're studying tea leaves, aren't we Harry!

HARRY: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Not the stupid Grim!

MALFOY: Grim? Your right professor, we should have some tea! Then we can predict Harry's death again!

VOLDIE: Great idea!

REGIS: WAIT! EVERYONE STOP! This is my show, and I say… lets have tea!

(Regis pulls out a wand and turns the hot seat into a table set for a tea party)

SIRIUS: Hey, I didn't know you were a wizard!

REGIS: And I didn't know you were an amagi. HEY, so am I!

(Regis turns into a owl… who looks exactly like Ron's owl, Pig)

RON: PIG!!! You are Regis??? Then who has been doing the shows while you were at Hogwarts?

VOLDIE: I have! (Puts on a Regis mask)

HARRY: Boy, Voldie, you have a bad taste in ties!

VOLDIE: WHAT?????? I like my ties! The real Regis had a bunch of ugly pineapple ties

(Pig, who is really Regis, starts to peck Voldie to death) NOOOOOOO! The beak of an owl! It is fatal!!! NOOOOOO! I'm melting….. MELTING! (Voldie melts)

RON: PIG! I mean REGIS! You defeated Voldemort!

MALFOY: And all along we thought it was Potter…

And THAT is how Voldemort was REALLY defeated!

A/N: Not really, this is just a really messed up story, I was kinda hyper when I did this…

Anyways, please R/R


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